Note that several of these come from his films and although spoken by Groucho were written by the various films' screenwriters.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
In Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I don't know (often misquoted as "I'll never know.")
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
I thought my razor was dull, then I heard his speech.